ChaoticMusings

Are you being stalked???????

Fat Budgeh said
Apr 1 2:34 PM, 2015

I've just submitted a script to the BBC for a show to take the place of Top Gear. This script is fucking DYNAMITE I tell you, so I thought I'd share.

The show's a sit-com based in a Reiki healing/ massage/ holistic therapy salon in the middle of Manchester, staffed by four women (the protagonists) who are, as the show name implies, being stalked.

I've decided to call the ladies Shirley, Marnie, Peppa and Angie. They are not based on anybody we know.

The stalkers are various mentally ill people, including:

A 50something paedophile who works in a PC repair shop who is obsessed with Shirley; he phones up the shop now and again and breaks into a rant about "the blacks, the unemployed, the muslims etc". The comedy angle is that he gets out of breath quickly and then starts wheezing, he needs a puff from his asthma inhaler before resuming his rant. His mum sometimes appears in the scene, asking if he has any clothes needing washed and if he's eating properly.
A 50 year old postman who bears more than a passing resemblance to Gollum, dated Peppa at high school and has been obsessed with her ever since. The comedy angle is that he always asks Peppa to go to a punch and Judy show with him, but secretly he wants to pump her behind a chip shop.
A 60 year old spinster from Blackpool with pyschiatric issues who has been to Benidorm twice, stopped taking her medication and has started believing she is a widowed Spanish millionairess who hangs about with DJs and Liverpool footballers. She has an imaginary Cherokee friend called "Yellow stream by a wall" who provides some comedy relief. She is obsessed with Angie and Peppa. The comedy angle is that the spinster will start sending abuse to herself if she gets ignored for any length of time. She can be heard calling herself a cunt or unliked after a while.
A very overweight unemployed Irish woman who thinks she's some kind of gangster. She lives with a scrawny never-do-well called Dave who is an unemployed toilet attendant. She is obsessed with all four.

The comedy lies in how the women deal with the daily harassment they receive from said stalkers while healing/ wanking customers off / putting scented candles on someone's arse cleft.

I reckon it'll be a fucking winner, and if it sells I'll be off the dole queue and earning £££££££!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you reckon?

Shell said
Apr 1 2:39 PM, 2015

hahahahahahahahahahaa

I like the last one especially.

Jobless Oddball said
Apr 1 7:43 PM, 2015

Breville wrote:
I've just submitted a script to the BBC for a show to take the place of Top Gear. This script is fucking DYNAMITE I tell you, so I thought I'd share.
The show's a sit-com based in a Reiki healing/ massage/ holistic therapy salon in the middle of Manchester, staffed by four women (the protagonists) who are, as the show name implies, being stalked.
I've decided to call the ladies Shirley, Marnie, Peppa and Angie. They are not based on anybody we know.
The stalkers are various mentally ill people, including:
A 50something paedophile who works in a PC repair shop who is obsessed with Shirley; he phones up the shop now and again and breaks into a rant about "the blacks, the unemployed, the muslims etc". The comedy angle is that he gets out of breath quickly and then starts wheezing, he needs a puff from his asthma inhaler before resuming his rant. His mum sometimes appears in the scene, asking if he has any clothes needing washed and if he's eating properly.
A 50 year old postman who bears more than a passing resemblance to Gollum, dated Peppa at high school and has been obsessed with her ever since. The comedy angle is that he always asks Peppa to go to a punch and Judy show with him, but secretly he wants to pump her behind a chip shop.
A 60 year old spinster from Blackpool with pyschiatric issues who has been to Benidorm twice, stopped taking her medication and has started believing she is a widowed Spanish millionairess who hangs about with DJs and Liverpool footballers. She has an imaginary Cherokee friend called "Yellow stream by a wall" who provides some comedy relief. She is obsessed with Angie and Peppa. The comedy angle is that the spinster will start sending abuse to herself if she gets ignored for any length of time. She can be heard calling herself a cunt or unliked after a while.
A very overweight unemployed Irish woman who thinks she's some kind of gangster. She lives with a scrawny never-do-well called Dave who is an unemployed toilet attendant. She is obsessed with all four.
The comedy lies in how the women deal with the daily harassment they receive from said stalkers while healing/ wanking customers off / putting scented candles on someone's arse cleft.
I reckon it'll be a fucking winner, and if it sells I'll be off the dole queue and earning £££££££!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you reckon?

So which one are you????????????????????????????????????????????

Digger said
Apr 2 10:37 AM, 2015

Breville wrote:
I've just submitted a script to the BBC for a show to take the place of Top Gear. This script is fucking DYNAMITE I tell you, so I thought I'd share.
The show's a sit-com based in a Reiki healing/ massage/ holistic therapy salon in the middle of Manchester, staffed by four women (the protagonists) who are, as the show name implies, being stalked.
I've decided to call the ladies Shirley, Marnie, Peppa and Angie. They are not based on anybody we know.
The stalkers are various mentally ill people, including:
A 50something paedophile who works in a PC repair shop who is obsessed with Shirley; he phones up the shop now and again and breaks into a rant about "the blacks, the unemployed, the muslims etc". The comedy angle is that he gets out of breath quickly and then starts wheezing, he needs a puff from his asthma inhaler before resuming his rant. His mum sometimes appears in the scene, asking if he has any clothes needing washed and if he's eating properly.
A 50 year old postman who bears more than a passing resemblance to Gollum, dated Peppa at high school and has been obsessed with her ever since. The comedy angle is that he always asks Peppa to go to a punch and Judy show with him, but secretly he wants to pump her behind a chip shop.
A 60 year old spinster from Blackpool with pyschiatric issues who has been to Benidorm twice, stopped taking her medication and has started believing she is a widowed Spanish millionairess who hangs about with DJs and Liverpool footballers. She has an imaginary Cherokee friend called "Yellow stream by a wall" who provides some comedy relief. She is obsessed with Angie and Peppa. The comedy angle is that the spinster will start sending abuse to herself if she gets ignored for any length of time. She can be heard calling herself a cunt or unliked after a while.
A very overweight unemployed Irish woman who thinks she's some kind of gangster. She lives with a scrawny never-do-well called Dave who is an unemployed toilet attendant. She is obsessed with all four.
The comedy lies in how the women deal with the daily harassment they receive from said stalkers while healing/ wanking customers off / putting scented candles on someone's arse cleft.
I reckon it'll be a fucking winner, and if it sells I'll be off the dole queue and earning £££££££!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you reckon?

You forgot to mention the Spanking Room!

Digger said
Apr 2 10:37 AM, 2015

Shell wrote:
hahahahahahahahahahaa I like the last one especially.

The description of the stalkers is uncannily accurate!

Jobless Oddball said
Apr 3 6:52 PM, 2015

Funny you should mention this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone keeps following me round the old forums!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bd has balls said
Apr 4 10:29 AM, 2015

I used to worry about Deans intentions when chatting to me or about me as he seemed so enamoured but eventually realised it was only puppy love

and he felt the same about JO

I suppose he will grow up one day and learn not to take on the big boys and gals until he's old enough to wear long legged trousers and grow a moustache