ChaoticMusings

The Candle of Grievance (£86)

Beautifully housed in a reclaimed jar, this soy wax candle is impregnated with crystal petals which make a sobbing sound when they burn. Light it for a frenemy, light it for yourself, lighten up for God's sake. 

With top notes of prickly thorn and a dry down of sour grapes, this will fill your space with a keen sense of injustice that lingers long. Burn time: three years and counting.

Shearling Noise Cancellation Headphones (£256)

A sophisticated solution to plugging your fingers in your ears and shouting, 'la la la, not listening'. Instead, pop on these fluffy beauties and marinate longer in your own thoughts, be they petty or ever so grand. Lined with hand-milked muskrat silk to keep your lobes toasty. Accessorised with opals for emotional amplification.

Dog Bowl Padded Ruff (£99.99)

Have you ever worried that someone might burst into your kitchen and throw you on the dog bowl without a by-your-leave? If so, this is the gadget for you. Simply clip this velvet padded ruff around your dog bowl, ready to cushion your fall in any emergency. Made from a repurposed ceremonial robe no longer needed. Available with sustainably farmed ermine trim, apply for details.

Mood Bracelet (£799)

Multi-strand quartz bracelet that will help align your chakras and promote calm. Featuring rose quartz for unconditional love, malachite for pure odium, cellulite for self-acceptance and compassion and cherry quartz for cherry picking fights.

Ohm Alert Portable Meditation Set (small £55, med £75, large £95)

Featuring a pre-loved cardboard box inscribed with the words Meditation In Progress, Do Not Disturb. Using her formidable calligraphy skills, the Duchess of Sussex personally inscribed each box herself, turning this practical aid to meditation on the move into a valuable collector's item.

Wherever you are, simply pop the box on your head to create a safe space for chanting personal development mantras, manifesting, lucid dreaming and grounding the ego. (Limited edition autographed version, £100 extra.)

Silent Not Silenced Revenge Diaries (£125 each)

Set of thick-lined diary notebooks for journalling, collecting evidence, settling scores and keeping secret lists of potential royal racists. Each volume comes with a special 'unconscious bias' section and an enemy index.

Hummingbird Sage Dishwash Soap (£38)

In honour of the moment when 11-year-old Meghan changed the world by writing to Procter & Gamble about a sexist dishwashing liquid ad. Has she mentioned this before? 5p off orders of 12 bottles or more. Discounts for the unwaged.

Merrie Olde England Gourmet Section

The Duchess of Sussex is thrilled to introduce her own recipes and culinary ideas to entertain and delight. Included is Marry Me Roast Chicken, featuring the exact roast chicken and sacred herbs Meghan was cooking when Harry proposed.

Look out, too, for a family favourite called the Frozen Wieners Supper and a spectacular Japanese Puffer Fish dish that Meghan liked to serve to her in-laws, followed by Hard Cheese and Simply Crackers.